Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The Jules


I love my nephew. I mean really, really love him. I know I just got done dissing kids, however, he isn't mine AND he's so fucking cute I want to die!! I don't have much patience for ugly kids. Ugly? I mean disrespectful, weird or boring kids, but ugly too. Julian is seven. He is so kind, sweet & funny. I love the fact he cares about how other people feel. I just worry about people hurting his feelings. I WILL beat up a child if he/she picks on Julian. I will board that yellow bus & ask which little fucker made my nephew cry! Then I'll pick the little bastard up by his/her neck and beat them senseless. I'll show you bully!! 
Then I will go to jail & learn how to play harmonica & create a shiv in my cell. I truly will. 
Once when Julian was four I was baby sitting him. I was at my Sissy's & they have a lot of remote controls. Julian wanted to watch a dvd, so I was having trouble figuring it out. I was a little impatient. I looked over at my beautiful Julian & said, "Sorry buddy, sometimes Yanti (his name for me) has trouble figuring this stuff out." He slid over and patted me on the leg, looked up at me with his wide khaki colored eyes & replied, "That's okay Yanti, sometimes I FRO UP."
He's so delicious he makes me want to FRO UP!!!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Screw Birth....& all that comes from it

I'M, or should I say WE are not having kids. Initially, (and I'm talking way back, when I was a teen), I blamed it on the messiness & pain of the whole birth thing. I was amazed to discover the fact that sometimes the doc had to slit open your vagina with a razor blade in order for the baby to plop out easier. Oh my God, are you kidding me? But, .......wait for it..........
THAT WAS NOT THE WORST PART!!!! Huh? The real pain were those darn contractions. What the fuck? (I have a mouth like a truck stop hooker-get used to it..)
What was I saying? Oh yeah, no kids for us.
It's not the pain thing anymore, it's the responsibility aspect. Plus I'm selfish.
Earl & I are so in love with each other & our Cats, it seems like a rugrat would ruin it. Yeah, that' right I said it and I'll probably say it again!
Imagine if I actually squeezed one out, only to discover it was allergic to animals? I'd have to try sell (or give away) the thing on Craigslist. What a hassle. I hate strangers coming to my house to check shit out.
"It's a baby for Chrissakes, obviously, I told you it's sneezing because of the cats!! Are you taking it or what? Alright, I'll throw in the mobile over that cribby thing, do we have deal?"
I'm fucking serious.
BTW.... I'm trying to organize my thoughts regarding this Octomom bitch. Just give me some time.

Friday, February 27, 2009

I was a freakin' English major & I never learned to type. I watch my man's fingers whip across the keyboard like Helen Keller reading War & Peace. Not to mention everything he writes is brilliant, cohesive & grammatically correct. I think too fast for this blog thing. All the illegal and (now) legal drugs that I took/take, make me hazy & it's hard to keep a straight thought.
What was I saying? Fuck. I hope this wasn't a mistake.
I love the NY Yankees, my Cats (yes I capitalized that shit) and reading about the Manson family.
I like memories more than presents, hence a three hour dinner is definately my cup of tea but buying me flowers sucks armadillo dick.