Wednesday, June 18, 2014

It's Kind Of Funny........ But That's My Story And I'm Sticking To It


My dearest friend, (next to My Old Man and my Sissy) lives in Northampton England. 
Ad and I are actually related.
Not in the normal, my Mom's, great aunt's, husband's, step kid, kinda way.
No, no, it's more straight forward than that.

Adam is my brother. 

However, there IS a story behind our kinship.



The Scientific Explanation Of Simptoss and Genimi DNA

Eons upon eons ago, in a parallel universe, two similar forms of energy ("simptae") converged to create a "simptoss".
This simptoss stayed static for awhile, kind of suspended, if you will, in said universe for quite a long time, (more eons.)
Eventually, the parallel universe imploded and merged with what we consider our present universe.

Oh my, you see it's all very scientific. 
Really, too complicated for you, my dear reader to grasp.
Okay. stay with me. 

Basically the simple version is, the simptoss split apart when it came in contact with the edge of the earth's atmosphere, changing the original chemical makeup of when they first converged, ever so slightly, and were catapulted, sadly, their separate ways. 

Science, my friends is not always happy.

Anywhoooo. 
The simptae immediately each found a safe place to stay viable, by permeating each of our (Adam's Mom and my Mom's) DNA; albeit without their knowledge.

Our Mothers, while thousand of miles and continents apart, didn't know they had "Gemini" altered DNA in their systems.

So, each of our Mom's eventually got knocked up, by similar looking and behaved men.
And while not born on the same birthday or year, the two little bundles of joy (Ad & Me) were indeed brother and sister. 

While I know that doesn't sound very logical, it is in-fact absolutely true.
Science is not always logical either, friends. 

So we, he and I are Brothah From Anothah Muthah or Sistah From Anothah Mistah if you prefer.

In the present day, due to the incredible leaps in technology, Adam and I found each other through a mutual friend on Facebook.
You're laughing?
The Facebook connection made you laugh ? 
Not the simptoss explanation?
I will never understand you unsimptossic humans.


That's my story and I'm sticking' to it.




So, where was I? Oh yeah!! Now Ad and I speak like 407 times a day through our phones and computers and we trade information like two washerwomen.
I've always been an Anglophile. 
England is a very fucking cool place.
Adam lives there. Northampton, England with his beautiful wife Jemma, his adorable daughter (my Goddaughter) Daisy and Squeak the cat.
Northampton is like an hour north of London, but it might as well be next-door.

We are in touch constantly and during this World Cup have managed to watch games together sorta, kinda.
It's been really, really cool.
Jemma and Ad's friendship (brotherhood), I realized, is something that had been missing from my life, and is now back where it belongs. 
I guess that's the only way to express it.

When we're not watching soccer (football, what ever) we're comparing notes on our days.
We'll look at maps of where each of us have been, and ask questions about history, people, food. you know normal boring stuff to everyone else, except us.

For instance, he lived in Islip, England when he was younger.
Reeeeeeally?? 
One of my paren't first apartment's,when i was a baby was in Islip, Long Island.
I spent summers in the Hamptons, so did Adam. 
Thousands of miles apart.
He's obsessed with American gangsters and serial killers.
He and Jem gobble up the likes of Boardwalk Empire and "The Iceman" like Cornish Pasties on a cold night........




NOTE: You didn't think I could get through a whole rambling story without referencing THE SHANNON at some point, in some way, did you? Gotcha bitches.





........Gimme a Rose and Fred West documentary any day, any time.
Pinky Blinders on BBC? Sign my ass up!!
Fuck, I'm even into the sappy intrigue Downton Abbey brings me. 
Hell.
I'd like to end Mary myself with my bare hands!
What an annoying twat.
But Sybill dies giving birth?
Ridiculous.

We also keep each other entertained, by constantly trying to one up each other.
One moment acting all patriotic about our perspective countries, the next dissing them for their obvious weaknesses.

But man oh man I'll tell you where England has us beat. 
Easily, hands down they have the best town names.
Cities, villages, shires and hamlets.
Old school names.
Yeah, we copy a lot of them, and some of ours are uniquely stupid like my parent's hometown of "Hicksville".
But the English, shit, they just rock the names of where ever they call home.

I learned this one night when Adam and I were talking about funny phrases we think each of our countries have called our own.
Linguistic peccadillos. 
Silly sayings. 
Charming little American language nuances, or them, there dumb things we think those English people say all the time, ya' know?

Jemma has naturally embraced the the perfect way to poo poo something in American (New York-eeeze actually.)
Just use the word you wish to brush off and then add "shm" or "schm" before it.
Adam will ask her if she feels like Pizza or Kebob for dinner.
Jemma immediately snaps back, "Pizza Schmizza lets have kebob." in her sweet, Mary Poppin'seque English accent.
LIKE A FREAKIN' BOSS!!
Jemma rules.



One night before signing off and bidding Ad, goodnight, I jokingly fired off, "Tally ho old chap and all that!"
Adam LOL'd (remember we message each other to save on phone bills.)
He replied, "No one really says that Gee. I haven't heard that except in old movies on the telly. Oh, but you know we live pretty close to a little town called Titty Ho."

Screech the record.
Whaaaat? Whaaaat? Huh, huh, erm,,,,,,

Now, look I'm pretty sure if you know even the smallest smidgen about me, you know I'm a 12 year old boy in a big, old chick's body.

Titty Ho?!!
TITTY HO?!!!

I started to giggle.
I mean really giggle.
I started typing away like a maniac to get back to Adam about this delicious revelation.

Alright, look, instead of trying to explain everything I wrote, I'm simply going to cut and paste my actual response.
This is what I wrote back:



Ad, 
There is no fucking way you really have a town called Titty-Ho. 
I mean it's a real town? 
If you mailed a letter there, you address it Town: Titty-Ho?
What do the boys in middle school think when they finally get to the point they know what it means and that it is actually where they live? 
At that age just telling someone where they live would give them immediate and non stop boners! 
Poor kids.
Of course my sick brain goes right to the origins of the name..............



The Legend Of Titty Ho

There was a famous whorehouse back in the day and they had a real salty, well worn whore named Elaine. Elaine had been whoring for like 50 years. 
The longest a whore ever worked.
Her secret? She would ONLY titty-fuck!
You wanted a blow-job with Elaine? 
Nope, sorry, just titty fucks.
A simple handy? 
Nuh uh, titty fucks is Elaine's thing - only!



Potential John: I want Elaine for a half & half, cowgirl style with a Flaming Amazon to wrap it up! I'll pay triple! I'll pay quadruple!!



House Madam: Absolutely not!! This is Elaine Sir. Elaine and her famous titty-fucks or nothing at all!!



Years passed and finally, one day, a young whore went to wake Elaine up for her day shift of titty-fucks.
Much to the younger whore's dismay, Elaine had passed. 
Died peacefully in her sleep.
The whorehouse was overcome with grief and sadness.
The whole VILLAGE was distraught! 
Elaine was so popular and famous for her titty-fucks-only policy.
It was a sad, sad day.

The morning of Elaine's funeral, the whole town showed up. Not a dry eye in the house.
The mayor stood up and gave a heartfelt and caring eulogy. 
Everyone was deeply, deeply touched.
Then in a surprise move to everyone, the mayor unveiled a proclamation:

"Here ye, here ye!!! From this day forward, our little quaint hamlet of Beigeville will be renamed and forever be referred to as the Village of TITTY HO in honor of the wonderful Elaine. She was the best at what she did, and only did IT. Welcome one and all to TITTY-HO!"


The End



That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


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